Emotional Infidelity - what is it?
What is emotional infidelity?
Emotional infidelity is the infidelity that occurs through feelings or thoughts. Sometimes we tend to believe that if physical act does not occurs, there is not infidelity. However, as long as our thoughts and feelings remain focus on “the other” is infidelity.
Emotional infidelity and low self-esteem
Even though I have been married for almost 15 years and I am happy about my relationship with my husband there had been ups and downs. I started my relationship with him at a time when I did not have a healthy self-esteem neither did my husband.
What I have learned through these years is that the healthier is your self esteem the better and happier is your relationship. I never thought that infidelity could occur by just having feelings and thoughts about another person. But the truth is that as long as you keep having this thoughts and feelings you are going through an emotional infidelity.
I have had times were I struggled inside not knowing what to do with this feelings. And I have learned that by building a healthy self-esteem I did not have the need to go through this struggle.
Nathaniel Branden mentioned in one of his books: “I told my wife that I had an emotional affair for a month with a neighbor ”. As long as you are aware of your feelings and thoughts you will always find a way to overcome your low self-esteem to create a better life and a better relationships .
Causes of emotional infidelity
- Low self-esteem manifest itself when you lack personal balance between family, work and specially self-care. Are you taking care of yourself?. If you don't , nobody will.
- Low self-esteem manifest also when you struggle with intimacy. This means that you want to be close to someone but you don’t want to get intimate. Do have a sense of self-worth or do you fear abandonment?.
- Low self-esteem comes when you need drama and excitement. Where do this needs come from?.
- Low self-esteem manifest also when you need to be adored because you lack inner strengths and a solid identity. Do you constantly look for approval and re affirmation from others to feel good about yourself?.
- Low self-esteem occurs when you lack of boundaries. Do you know how to set boundaries?. How to say no. How to ask for what you need?.
As Dr. Holly Hein says in his book Sexual Detours: The Startling Truth Behind Love, Lust, and Infidelity
Intimacy with another requires us to be comfortable enough with who we are and have a good enough sense of self-worth. So that you can achieve closeness and union without feeling overwhelmed by fear of abandonment or fear of control. The fear of abandonment, and of control, interferes with the development of intimacy.
When these fears operate in a relationship, they create distance instead of an intimate exchange. These fears are caused by our very early mothering experiences, which were interpreted at the infantile and childish levels at which they occurred. In the intimate relationships of adulthood, these experiences continue to color our relationships with highly charged emotions.
Building intimacy into a relationship requires learning how to deal with the feelings that provoke a fear of intimacy, instead of running from them. I often tell my patients that their fears of loss and abandonment, or fears of control, no longer represent the same things they experienced as infants and children, even if the feelings remain the same. Feelings aren't facts.
As adults we can learn to handle those feelings that interfere with intimacy instead of allowing them to provoke us into flight from intimacy. They don't believe me at first, of course, but sooner or later they do.
Sexual detours can motivate us to look into ourselves and finally see who we really are-or want to be. If properly decoded, a sexual detour can lead us toward a path of self-knowledge, growth, and authenticity toward intimacy. If we understand the hidden meaning, we can empower ourselves and enrich our lives. We must recognize a sexual detour as a sign. A signal. A flag.
"The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust". Shirley Glass.
Emotional infidelity book
Neuman, a therapist, family mediator, and rabbi, suggests that when you invest your emotional energy in opposite, sex coworkers or friends, instead of focusing on your spouse. You are unfaithful to your marriage. You don't have to have sex to cheat on your marriage. With clear case examples, scenes from his own marriage, quizzes, and exercises, Neuman illustrates 11 "secrets" that couples can apply to insulate and protect their marriage.
10 secrets for couples to work through in 10 weeks, including sharing specific goals and plans. Clearly defining roles for each partner. Aappreciating each other. Fostering interdependence and understanding the effects of your childhood on your marriage. Also a four-point plan is included: touch each other five times daily. Go on a weekly date. Have a long talk four times a week. And have an all-out romantic lovemaking night monthly.
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Comments and Testimonials
"The whole stuff has been very beneficial. Pls how do i get more of this esteem boosting stuff?
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