Passive Aggressive Anger

Anger is a normal and healthy human emotion. It should not therefore be a problem because it is a natural response to a threat or danger and allows people to fight and defend themselves from attack.

People have different ways or approaches to deal with anger. These approaches are expressing, calming or suppressing. The best and healthiest of the three is expressing your anger assertively. Expressing anger does not mean being aggressive, demanding or hurting other people in the process.

Some people suppress their anger by holding it in, do not think about it and move on doing other things. The problem with this approach is that the anger could be redirected inwardly and you could end up being angry with no one but yourself. This will then lead to different problems like depression, hypertension and high blood pressure.

You can also choose to calm yourself, which means that you do not just control the outward manifestations of anger but also the internal responses of the body to it as well. Calming can be done by taking steps to lower your blood pressure and taking deep breaths until feelings subside and you get a better perspective of things.

People are aware of the effects of aggressive anger which is what people actually mean when they think of the word anger. It is characterized by outbursts and is commonly referred to as bad temper. Some people would really try to avoid aggressive anger but unconsciously resort to another kind which is passive anger. Below is a discussion of passive aggressive anger. The symptoms of passive anger are:

Cold and indifferent behavior – Those with passive anger would give the cold shoulder and avoid eye contact. They know that others get annoyed with their silence and indifference. They become evasive so others will not bother them.

Ineffectualness – They have a tendency to procrastinate and be lazy. Other people are expected to adjust to their pace and manner of doing things. These people will do their work half heartedly and without consideration to others.
Secretive behavior – Complaining behind people’s backs but refusing to face them is another symptom of passive anger. They are prone to gossiping and putting people down. They also try to dampen their feelings with substance abuse.

Manipulating – Sometimes, they say what others want to hear but then go on to do their own thing. Some of them could also fake their emotions and may resort to emotional blackmail. Aggressive anger is the kind of anger that involves exploding, intimidation and rage. Its symptoms could be any of the following:

Threats – frightening people by threatening them bodily harm or destroying their property
Bullying – using power to frighten while playing on other’s weakness, shouting and shoving
Road rage – excessive honking or use of car horn, speeding and tailgating

Intention to hurt – physical violence, blaming unjustly, breaking a confidence, playing loud music, ignoring other people’s feelings
Vengeance – refusing to forgive and forget what is seen as other people’s wrongdoing
Unpredictability – rage over minor matters, inflicting harm on others in the expression of anger, random attacks on other people

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Dealing with passive agressive people

In reality, we probably all are experts on the useless personality trait of passive aggressiveness. We have entered into relationships that have drained us, demeaned us, and left us questioning our sanity. Relationships with passive aggressive people do not start with a disclaimer that the other person has an undesirable personality trait.

Most of us probably did not even know that is what we were in until it was too late. Perhaps we entered into a relationship with the utmost sincerity. We gave our all and then gave some more without receiving anything of sustenance and substance. At which point most of us got angry and tried to remove ourselves from the situation.

Only to be cozied up to, apologized to and cajoled right back into the lovely cycle. It is unfortunate for those of us who have had to deal with the aftermath of our feelings once freed from the passive aggressive relationship. It is a hard but necessary lesson to have to turn to serious introspection to see how we got ourselves into our heartbroken state. I call this the “let’s see just how guilty I am” phase.

Most of us (if we are lucky enough) eventually remove ourselves from relationships with passive aggressive persons. Most likely, it takes a fair amount of time to realize just what type of relationship we need to remove ourselves. When the realization comes that we just went to the fair and rode only one ride the entire time, and it was the one full of smoke and mirrors, we tend to blame ourselves for not finding the exit in time.

Well, that is the kicker about passive aggressive people. They are hard to identify, and when we do, it is usually too late. We have already been burned, lied to, manipulated, forgotten about, mistreated, ignored, only to end up resenting ourselves. Yes, I did dare say it! We blame ourselves, what irony! We wonder to ourselves how we let this happen. Did he not say he loved me? Forever? Did he not just call and say he wanted to get together? Yeah, he did, and no, you did not. Get together that is. Then somehow, because you got mad, it is your entire fault. Because of you, his plans did not turn out. It was because of you, you were too pushy, and you would not let it go. Does any of this sound familiar? You and I both know, it was not because you were “being pushy,” you just wanted to know when, where, what time. Oh my, the audacity you exhibited. Why, honey, it is your fault, if you just would not of… (Insert whatever it is, that YOU did).

The thing is, it is never going to be about them, or it is always about them. See the conundrum? That sums up a passive aggressive person. Be it man or woman. When I mentioned before that it is usually too late for the receiver of these lovely behaviors. That is the other kicker they know how to manipulate. Remember? Falling in love is not a problem; they are charismatic, adoring, complimentary, and attentive. They are all of these things, but they control to what degree. They give you just enough, that little kernel of truth and eventually you will find yourself holding onto that kernel as if it is the Rock of Gibraltar.

Alright, so we know how they behave and honestly, who cares about the why of it all. The real question is how do we deal with them? You do not. It is that simple, and it is not that simple. If you recognize the behaviors (and the only way to do this, is to have already had a lovely experience with a passive aggressive person), then you should know to walk away. I realize that is not so easy.

You might be in a situation that requires you to deal with this person every day. Your boss, teacher, colleague are not the easiest to just not deal with. You have to. If you are in a relationship of any kind, what you must realize first is that you cannot believe what they say. You must understand as well, that if you attempt to, you damn well better be the worlds finest of truth hunters. Arming yourself with every tool at your disposal. These tools can be anything. For example, you are required to have a talk with your boss. Before doing so, picture yourself protected. The space around you is impenetrable. Breathe deeply and slowly. Always keeping in the back of your mind that when your meeting is over, nothing has changed. Your values are still the same. It is not your fault that the boss is unhappy. The boss is always unhappy. Are you following my lead here?

The passive aggressive person is usually unhappy. They will never admit to it, but they want someone to blame. They want someone to feel worse than they do. In step you, or me. Remember that protected space we just talked about? The passive aggressive person lives there. They are always protected because to have really to feel their feelings would be too painful. It is easier to stay guarded, to manipulate, and remain at a distance than to have an open relationship filled with rich communication.

In the real world, we come across these personality types quite a bit. So of course, we have to deal with them. It is really up to you to decide how much effort you want to put forth to surpass the smoke and mirrors. It takes a person of strong self-worth who has learned from experience to engage in any relationship with a passive aggressive person. Even then, it is unfortunate, but one must keep their guard up.

Manage your anger pack

The Manage Your Anger Pack contains these 5 sessions:

Anger Management :improve your anger management skills and set the scene for the rest of the program.
Be More Tolerant: improve your ability to tolerate what might have irritated you before.

Overcome Perfectionism: to improve your relationships
Walk in Others’ Shoes: learn to understand other people and how they see the world.
Keep a Cool Head: Improve your ability to remain calm when you are under fire.