My struggles with self

My name is Val I am 26 years old, I am a very codependent alcoholic and an addict. I have struggled with addiction for the past ten years. Alcohol has always been a part of my life, ever since I was little.

My mother had a career, she was always too busy to spend quality time with me, and when she did not work, she always had better things to do like drinking with her male friends, gambling and whatever else. My parents got a divorce when I was one, I have never seen or talked to my real father to this day. I have some serious abandonment issues. I did not have anyone around to teach me love, caring, and anything else about life in general.

Everything I have learned, I have learned on my own, mostly from experience. I started drinking and getting into drugs when I was around eleven years old. I was always hanging out with older men, mostly drunks and addicts. I have had sex with many different man because I had a very twisted messed up idea of what love was. I thought if they had sex with me, that meant they loved me. My self-esteem was very love due to the emotional abuse I had to endure in my home. I was a chunky kid and I used to get made fun off a lot, so on top of my drug and alcohol addiction, I have developed bulimia.

I married my first husband when I was sixteen, not only to get away from home, but I thought if i had a family of my own everything will magically be okay. I had my first son a year later. My first husband was very verbally abusive. He was a drug addict and a sex addict, he loved women, which did not help my self esteem any at all. For five years we did nothing but fight and tormented each other. I kept using more and more drugs and alcohol, but I was not willing to admit that i had a problem. I slept around and did whatever I wanted to do. I did not want to feel and I did whatever it took not to feel. I finally got away from my husband, I gave up custody of my child, because there was no way i could take care of him at that point in time. I was strung out and unstable.

I moved from one man to another thinking that he would solve all my problems. I ended up getting married again. Unlike my first husband who was antisocial and did not drink, my second husband loved people and loved to party. The party continued on for about three years, then it started going downhill again. I was in and out of the program, however, I absolutely refused to follow suggestions, and i thought i could do it my way, so I kept going back out. I decided to have another child, hoping that it will restore me to sanity.

I stopped using drugs, but I continued to drink every single day during and after my pregnancy, by the grace of God I had a perfectly healthy baby boy. Me and my husband argued more and more, the police kept getting involved more and more, so as usual I blamed him for everything that was going wrong in my world, and ended up leaving him for another man. I kept trying to get sober my own way for eleven months and things kept getting worse and worse. I got to the point where i could no longer work or function in any way. Inevitably on my last horrible drunk, I ended up in jail, did not know what happened, where my kid was or anything until they served me my two restraining orders, and then I read about what i have done. As I sat in jail, I took a good, honest look at my life. I was full of hate, anger and resentment mostly at myself. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt and I had a spiritual experience.

I finally admitted to myself that all these people, places and things are not my problem, I am my problem. I have not had a drink or a drug since that day. I have a sponsor, I go to meetings, I follow suggestions, and I talk to lots of people everyday who give me love and support, and share their experiences. I struggle being by myself its been a long time since I have been by myself.

I struggle with feelings, because I don't know how to deal with them just yet, but it gets easier one day at a time. I have choices today and I know that as long as I don't pick up a drink or a drug everything is going to be alright. I am building a relationship with my Higher Power. I have hope and faith. I am very grateful to be sober today. I feel free, I feel good about myself today, I have the tools to deal with life on life's terms today, one day at a time. thank you for letting me share my story. Valery H.

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