Codependency symptoms

I come from a family with a codependent mother. I am neither judging her nor blaming. But identifying codependency symptoms in her helped me a lot to overcome low self-esteem.

Codependency definition

Codependency is not a disease; it is an emotional and behavioral condition that is learned and affects the ability to have a healthy relationship with others.

Many call codependency a relationship addiction. Co-dependents have destructive relationships that are one-sided pleasing oriented and therefore abusive. They suffer from low self esteem.

Researching a lot on codependents, I became aware that I used to act like one. Some of the co dependent symptoms that I discovered in myself were:

3 Codependency Symptoms

Symptom # 1: A strong tendency to do more and give more than I got in return.

A tendency to sacrifice myself to give more. I kept thinking: “they are more important than me,” my favorite mantra.

The truth behind this behavior: my fear to lose their love. So I became pleasing to everybody. To feel loved and accepted.
In fact, I focused too much on pleasing them, after all, their needs were more important than my needs.

Symptom # 2: I became easily hurt when nobody recognized my efforts

It constantly complained: “after everything I have done for them..”. The truth behind this behavior was that to feel good about myself I needed to be recognized by others.
The same pattern than before: looking for approval. I kept doing the thing for everyone with the idea that my efforts would please them. Then when I didn’t get the recognition I expected I felt insecure and resentful.

Symptom #3: I always felt guilty when being assertive and expressed my thoughts

Deep inside I always hear the same message: ‘ I shouldn’t had said that”. The truth behind this behavior is that I was afraid to be abandoned or rejected.
I focused on: if I say what I think I will be abandoned, they won’t talk to me anymore.

They could say anything they wanted, but I was not allowed to do so. Because to be loved and accepted I not only had to be nice but submissive and passive. So, I put myself down, a sign of low self-esteem , to avoid rejection and abandonment.

There are many other co dependency symptoms such as care taking: confusing caring with taking care of. Trying to fix other people. Thinking or feeling responsible for others. And manipulating behavior in relationships through guilt.

By identifying this symptom, I realized that I became what is normally called: people-pleasing. This is a sign of low self esteem. I focused too much on what the other person thought. Now, I don’t know you, but, do you relate to any of this symptoms?. Are you focusing too much on what other people think about you too?.

Comments

“That’s exactly me few years ago. Actually this behavior creates your self-destruction, because you give more than you should (you feel less valuable than others), as a result you are surprised you don’t get back what you have given and that creates sadness and lowers your self-worth again.. it’s like spiral, very dangerous!”. RC.

“Great write up here. All very true.”Oliver C.

” Wow, very powerful. I have believed for many years now that I suffer from anxiety disorder. After reading your web site and other articles, I find myself possibly re-evaluating that diagnosis. I have been in co-dependent relationships since I was a kid. It is time to break the cycle. Thank you for helping me begin my new journey. Happiness for me is what I need. Thank you.
“. Karen Berger

For a structured overview of books and journals related to relationships and emotional boundaries, see our recommended resources here.

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